Friday, January 05, 2007

Ode to Fredo


Thursday, January 04, 2007

Spiders On Drugs


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Daily Show Tom Waits Performance

It's not my favorite song by him but I love the lyrics. Sorry for getting a little personal; I know no one reads this.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

If it's war they want, it's war they'll get!

America we are under attack. No not from Arabs. No not the homosexuals either. No, definitely not Tom Cruise–he's already dead to us anyway, right?

Some of you may not even be aware of this grave threat to America. To give you an idea of the foe we are up against, let me show you some snippets from a recent article on this new scourge:

[A] gang of raccoons...tore into her flesh and nearly gnawed off her [appendage].
...experts are commending the city for resisting demands
If you live in a high-crime area and don't put bars on your windows and you've had break-ins before, you're asking for it.
Communities around the country are plagued by destructive or aggressive raccoons...

Yes, the raccoon king has begun the invasion of the sanctity of our disgustingly rich citizens of Venice, California; this has now gone too far. It wasn't personal when a raccoon went through my garbage. It wasn't personal when one tried to commit suicide by throwing his body in front of my car. The city never pressed charges; I never wanted to either. But now, the gloves are off, raccoon people.

You think that just because you have evolutionarily convergent apposable thumbs that you can just grasp my liberty out of my hand? Your wave of terror will not waver me in my conviction to eradicate your cute–but evil–spawn. Sure, you may look like the Hamburgler but when you invaded Venice you did more than invade the area's McDonald's: you eradicated my faith in you. And like a man-child president i will wage destruction on your kind on a scale your feeble 100 cubic centimeter minds can only dream of fathoming.

Experts don't want to put you in the wilderness because they are afraid you might die. I just have 4 words for you: survival of the fittest. You had your chance to coexist with us and you pissed it all away like Saddam Hussein pissed away good relations with the United States. Bombs of raid will fall from the sky onto your whereabouts and the citizens of Venice will sacrifice your blood to their god...Jay Leno.

So, Raccoons, here's your warning, the Venetians are going to fry your furry asses.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

He'll save children, but not the british children

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Hooray for Whalers - A 'commentary'

Yes those corpulent colossals with fat that burns like oil are ready to be hunted, said several small nations who lacked the voting power to actually overturn the 20-year-old moratorium on killing whales for profit. But this was an important initial victory for them because now Fox News can report it to their neoconservative christian (read: fascist) base. And we know religious zealots like killing things. And by things I mean everything. God's way if you think about it. I mean, what do we say when someone dies but "It's God's will." So in killing everything on this earth we are acting in God's image. Nevermind that Jesus was a total pussy and that's why God sent him down to Earth to learn a thing or to by dying. Back to whale-killing though: Hooray! Next up, manatees: the retards of the sea. (new rule: if you're not smart enough to stay clear of an outboard motor then you deserve to go extinct.)

Nature abides by survival of the fittest say scientists. Many creationists think that they cannot use such pithy "factual" statements but I'm here to show you that "natural selection" works in your favour! Let me explain in theatrical form. That way I can prove to you that a) christians can benefit from science (your viagra and your wife's antidepressents notwithstanding) and b) theatre is a good gay thing (i know i can't convince you about marriage but i'll try later).


The point is, dying is a natural order of life. If things die its because they can't compete with other things. Like rocks competing with water. Obviously the Colorado River won (over the course of the great flood of course) against sandstone. And in the process of killing whales we get heating oil to make Christina Ricci look younger, delicious blubber to make cattle feed, aphrodisiacs to give japanese men erections, and their tonsils to make "gentle" alarm clocks for Hammacher Schlemmer: wake up to whale mating songs. yay!

So onward fascist soldiers and give those heathen animal bastards a dose of the Bible. We are gods unto this earth, so sayeth the Lord. Personally I'm just looking forward to the Hartford Whalers getting reintroduced to the NHL (you know, that hockey league that all the Canadians seem to be into because they aren't really good at any other sports.)

Thursday, June 15, 2006

i'm not fat, i'm American.

before i was skinny for my height. now that i'm older my metabolism is slowing down and i'm at a normal weight for my height. i don't think i'm terminally corpulent because i've put on this weight in the last year. however i may be. i should go try to eat as many hotdogs as i can at an oakland A's game....4 of a row. in the same week. as well as drink copious amounts of beer to test this hypothesis.

exercise is key. the key to eating more. because it uses energy and energy is bad. at least that's what i learned from seeing all those kate moss advertisements. alas, so depressing.

i'm not a big chocolate fan but homemade butterscotch is delicious. and easy to make. a bit expensive but twice as sweet. it'll rot your teeff in no time. you'll be parking dentures at night before you know it.

Dentures don't work for thin people. For some reason, a toothless fat person is more awesome than a toothless thin person. I guess it's because i think the fat person enjoyed the process of losing all his teeth. I mean at least he ate well. Whereas the thin person you just feel bad for because he's probably a jack-off and got whacked in the face with a lead pipe. I mean shit like that happens all the time...happened to my mom. Well, only if you disregard that she was drunk and high when she fell down the stairs and landed on a pipe she thought would be a good idea to put there. There's a lesson for ya, you fat bastards: don't do drugs.

now i can write off the expense of this blog as a public service announcement. thank god for accountants.