Saturday, November 18, 2006

If it's war they want, it's war they'll get!

America we are under attack. No not from Arabs. No not the homosexuals either. No, definitely not Tom Cruise–he's already dead to us anyway, right?

Some of you may not even be aware of this grave threat to America. To give you an idea of the foe we are up against, let me show you some snippets from a recent article on this new scourge:

[A] gang of raccoons...tore into her flesh and nearly gnawed off her [appendage].
...experts are commending the city for resisting demands
If you live in a high-crime area and don't put bars on your windows and you've had break-ins before, you're asking for it.
Communities around the country are plagued by destructive or aggressive raccoons...

Yes, the raccoon king has begun the invasion of the sanctity of our disgustingly rich citizens of Venice, California; this has now gone too far. It wasn't personal when a raccoon went through my garbage. It wasn't personal when one tried to commit suicide by throwing his body in front of my car. The city never pressed charges; I never wanted to either. But now, the gloves are off, raccoon people.

You think that just because you have evolutionarily convergent apposable thumbs that you can just grasp my liberty out of my hand? Your wave of terror will not waver me in my conviction to eradicate your cute–but evil–spawn. Sure, you may look like the Hamburgler but when you invaded Venice you did more than invade the area's McDonald's: you eradicated my faith in you. And like a man-child president i will wage destruction on your kind on a scale your feeble 100 cubic centimeter minds can only dream of fathoming.

Experts don't want to put you in the wilderness because they are afraid you might die. I just have 4 words for you: survival of the fittest. You had your chance to coexist with us and you pissed it all away like Saddam Hussein pissed away good relations with the United States. Bombs of raid will fall from the sky onto your whereabouts and the citizens of Venice will sacrifice your blood to their god...Jay Leno.

So, Raccoons, here's your warning, the Venetians are going to fry your furry asses.


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